“I’m emotionally autistic…” (lines I just found from April 2012) [Collating Smatterings of Memoirings (6)]

Suddenly, the other day, I found this file. I’d already given up on finding more smatterings of memoirings on my hard disk (it turns out I haven’t done all that much memoiring), and suddenly this showed up. I’ve read it a couple of times now, and I think it adds some info & does a little more than that. It’s in lines (of “verse”), a form I often like to write in. Is it poetry? Maybe, it depends on how you define “poetry”. Is it good poetry? Maybe, & maybe some of it is & some of it isn’t. I don’t know if it matters. It’s another picture of me (as this brief intro is too). Was I planning to continue the story from where it breaks off? Possibly, I don’t remember. Will I take that point as the starting point for a sequel? Possibly… Oh, & I’ve also added two links to two previous memoirings…

 

120414
I’m emotionally autistic, & like a hermit, she tells me,
& it’s probably, given my history, post-traumatic,
how I don’t keep up contact with friends past or present,
might not initiate contact with my sons if she didn’t
don’t wake up one morning thinking
maybe I’ll do this or that with a grandchild
(she no longer mentions how not open I am with her
or not interested enough in her… she’s no longer frustrated
about that as she long was…& I can see it & feel it, & know it’s true,
(though I think it’s also arche- and stereo-
typically heterosexual-masculine)
& am grateful for this light she has given me.
120416
Though i’m glad when they come or when we’re where they are,
& gladly talk with them & do things with & for them when they want to,
i only rarely spontaneously imagine something to initiate with them,
& even more rarely will myself to.

120414 (cont.)
& only yesterday I was thinking displacement,
my so-many displacements since I was three,
not easily forming attachments or making friends
& when I did & then left them because we moved again
or because I’d broken with them,
hardly ever keeping up contact or even remembering them,
an early strategy for living with separation
ever since we left my loving grandmother in Warsaw
as the German bombs were falling.

yes, she said, & not having much contact with my parents before that,
both too busy with each other & their business & their socializing
(& I can’t even remember the carer I know I had all those first years of my life.

& yes the need was there, & I think I found in the youth movement a lifebuoy,
& again in later years, in the hippie times,
found a way to gather with some people around me,
& again in the Inyan, with only a couple of friends, true,
but visions of a global comradeship…

& I now think maybe it’s the autism
even more basically than the displacements
that affects also my feelings of not really belonging
to any one place, one country, one culture,
as if what I adopt & am adopted by I cannot adopt fully
as evidently I cannot fully commit emotionally
(which I stress, because where it matters practically I can and do)
not feeling fully Australian though Australia’s my home,
for more than a decade this third time around.

the first time I came with my mother when I was 10,
we arrived in Melbourne, Jewish refugees from Shanghai
I was by then no longer in any way Polish,
& from the time in Shanghai when I knew we were Australia-bound
I actually refused to speak to my mother in Polish
so that she could learn English quicker
(& have not spoken or felt Polish since, though I still remember
quite a few words, some opening lines of songs,
as of the national anthem, Jescze Polska nie zginęła,
“Poland is not yet lost”, well – it’s long lost to me).
I of course never thought of myself as Chinese, how could I have,
& the only group identity I accepted then was my being Jewish,
& though there was nothing of Judaism as a religion or of Jewish culture
in my parents’ lives, they had sent me to a Jewish school in Shanghai,
& my father spent the last year of his life
dying in the Shanghai Jewish Hospital,
as all the skin peeled painfully off his flesh
until he was swathed in bandages head to toes
with only his mouth & eyes & nostrils visible…
& died there on Yom Kippur (while I, 9, was praying
in the synagogue, because, yes, I tell the story elsewhere,
he also introduced me to the synagogue
after my parents found my rosary with its golden crucifix)
& was buried at the Shanghai Jewish Cemetery

& we lived in Elwood, St. Kilda, then again Elwood, St.Kilda,
then deep in South Caulfield for several years,
until at 23, after about a decade of membership & involvement,
belonging, to Zionist youth movements,
not one, but three, moving in dialectical leaps from right to left,
from the right-wing, militaristic Betar
(“The Jordan has two banks. This one is ours, & the other is too!”),
to the moderately socialistic Habonim
to the Marxist revolutionary-socialist Hashomer Hatzair,
including a year and a half of preparation for kibbutz living
on the Hebrew Training Farm some miles from Mooroopna
& some years of organizing and group-leading in the movement,
I boarded a ship bound for Genoa, hitchhiked for a few months
around Europe & then took ship to Haifa
to join a kibbutz in the Negev that the movement
had selected for the first Australian contingent
of which we two were the last, to join the kibbutz
because that was the ideal I then believed in & wanted to work for
more than to join the comrades who had arrived there before me
or rather fusing all these in the need to belong…
but almost three years later I no longer believed in that
& left the kibbutz, but not Israel, still feeling more Jewish than anything else,
and also thinking here’s a place where I don’t have to think about being Jewish,
I just am & so’s almost everybody else…
& all those years in Israel I couldn’t feel fully Israeli either,
I’d sometimes think of myself as Australian, but also felt I wasn’t….

the second time, I came with my wife of 16 months, also to Melbourne,
mainly to be near my mother, she wasn’t well…

Advertisements

ANTI-ZIONISM / IS NOT / ANTI-SEMITISM (7), + a gallery of 6 previous memes

antizionism isnot meme7

Some different colors, some different fonts.

This is version 7. Below is a gallery of 6 previous versions, 2 published (1 & 2) & 4 not (tap or click on thumbnail to enlarge).

Hoping others will share the message, I think it’s urgent. Yesterday I wrote:

I posted this meme a couple of days ago using a “Stencil” typeface, & wrote:

Enough of the bald-faced Big Lie the pro-Zionists are pushing!
If anything’s increasing anti-Semitism in the world it’s the Zionist state’s crimes of commission & omission.
The post received very few likes, shares or responses. Since I think it’s important & urgent to spread this message, I’m trying different fonts & some color this time. Readers are also invited to suggest fonts, layouts, wordings of their own. IMHO, the difference between anti-Zionism & anti-Semitism need to be reaffirmed again & again, especially now, with the increasing conflation of the two by powerful pro-Zionist interests.
& see:
http://www.timesofisrael.com/new-york-senator-tells-floor-anti-zionism-a-form-of-anti-semitism/
http://www.france24.com/en/20170717-france-macron-zionism-antisemitism-netanyahu-israel-vichy-holocaust
& also many other pages on https://www.google.com.au/search?q=ANTI-ZIONISM+ANTI-SEMITISM&oq=ANTI-ZIONISM+ANTI-SEMITISM&aqs=chrome..69i57j0j69i60l2.2959j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

ANTI-ZIONISM / IS NOT / ANTI-SEMITISM (2)

I posted this meme a couple of days ago using a “Stencil” typeface, & wrote:
Enough of the bald-faced Big Lie the pro-Zionists are pushing!
If anything’s increasing anti-Semitism in the world it’s the Zionist state’s crimes of commission & omission.

 The post received very few likes, shares or responses. Since I think it’s important & urgent to spread this message, I’m trying different fonts & some color this time. Readers are also invited to suggest fonts, layouts, wordings of their own. IMHO, the difference between anti-Zionism & anti-Semitism need to be reaffirmed again & again, especially now, with the increasing conflation of the two by powerful pro-Zionist interests.

& see:
http://www.timesofisrael.com/new-york-senator-tells-floor-anti-zionism-a-form-of-anti-semitism/
http://www.france24.com/en/20170717-france-macron-zionism-antisemitism-netanyahu-israel-vichy-holocaust

& also many other pages on
https://www.google.com.au/search?q=ANTI-ZIONISM+IS+ANTI-SEMITISM&oq=ANTI-ZIONISM+IS+ANTI-SEMITISM&aqs=chrome..69i57.22681j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

antizionism isnot meme3

ANTI-ZIONISM / IS NOT / ANTI-SEMITISM

antizionism isnot meme2

Enough of the bald-faced Big Lie the pro-Zionists are pushing!
If anything’s increasing anti-Semitism in the world it’s the Zionist state’s crimes of commission & omission.

My ‘desired fate/solution for half of the Jews living on earth today – those who live in Israel?’?*

My ‘desired fate/solution for half of the Jews living on earth today – those who live in Israel?’?*

Desired fate: I wish them peace, I wish them life, I wish them freedom from being oppressors, exilers, occupiers, besiegers & dispossessors of another people in their homeland.

Desired solution: a free, secular, democratic Palestine (Israeland), as I described it in lines I wrote about a year and a half ago & am now publishing here as a meme:

i-want-to-call-out-meme

That’s my desired solution, still, but of course it depends on enough people wanting it, on both sides.
& if they don’t, well then, each individual “Israeli” Jew in Palestine will make their own decision: whether or not to continue living as a citizen of the colonialist Zionist State whose very existence depends on the continuing dispossession & oppression etc of the country’s native population; whether or not to continue living in false consciousness, bad faith, denial that there is an occupation, that there are Palestinians, that there is a Palestine that for non-Jewish Palestinians is not “Israel”…

I’m not religious, but I’m with the rabbi who said that when there is persecution we should be on the side of the persecuted, not on the side of the persecutors. Or, to bring that down to basics: if your privileged life depended on your having to abuse and oppress someone else every day, would you choose to continue with that, or give up your privileged position?

You may think that because I’m a Jew my solidarity should be with the state where ‘half of the Jews living on earth today’ live. Well, it isn’t, not as long as that state continues to be an oppressor. My solidarity is with the oppressed & their struggle. Palestine must be free. & when the Arab Palestinians are freed from the Zionist oppression, the Hebrew Palestinians too will be freed from having to be the agents of that Zionist oppression.

___________________
* I was asked this question in a comment to a comment I  made to another post: ‘The Zionist State that occupies Palestine is based not on dignity & compassion but on Israeli-Jewish (& still primarily Ashkenazi) supremacy & privilege. & it can have no “democratically elected leader” when around half of the population of the country does not have the right to vote.’

PITS [/IGNORANCE]: A photo by Massimo Berrati (Gaza, 2015), a poem in Hebrew by Tal Nitzan, an annotation in Hebrew from the editors of HaOketz, & my English translations of both

To enlarge click anywhere in the meme below.
pits meme

A bereaved Israeli father’s outcry against Israeli Jewish fascism

elior barnea

ref elior barnea2

Rachel Elior
Jerusalem, Israel / 160522

“The occupation is an insufferable moral injustice and a terrible existential mistake which will bring about the end of the democratic state of the Jewish people” – Tzvia Greenfeld

“This is not a passing storm”
“The transformation of the ‘liberation’ of the territories into the occupation of the people living in the territories: this is the trigger that is motivating this terrible Jewish fascist process”. – Aharon Barnea, a bereaved father, who writes [in a letter to the editor in Haaretz, May 22, 2016]:

This is it, the time has come to put out there all the fury and the feelings of suffocation and failure that are flooding me. Seventeen years ago my beloved son Noam was killed, one of the last victims of a long and futile war that a weak leadership was incapable of ending. He was killed at the feet of the Beaufort – a symbol the arrogance, the megalomania and the mad fantasies of Israel’s leaderships, concurrently with the “Four Mothers” outcry “Get out of Lebanon safely”.

Noam was born in 1977, the year of great hope, when a brave leadership proved with deed that that the region, with Egypt at its head, was willing to accept us, that the curse of Arab hostility is not God’s curse, and that humans were capable of eliminating it. During all those years signs kept flashing that this was not a fantasy, that it depended on us, on Israel’s leaders, and that all of us, if we had been attentive to the other, if we hadn’t fallen into the depths of the sin of greed and arrogance, could have overcome the hatred, the fear and the Arab and Palestinian resistance.

But our leadership, both the political and the religious, chose to foster in our people the illusion of power, chose to foster the primeval fear of the other, the feeling of a people that will dwell alone as a determinative curse, a fantasy of a “Jewishness” that alienates itself, that rejects all humanistic discourse. What has been spread out before us is the brutalization of a large and growing public, the corruption of moral values, the rule of violence over our everyday lives, the silencing of criticism – in brief, opening the gates wide to Jewish fascism in Israel. And the most terrible of all is that the spectacle spread out before us is not limited to the political dimension, which means this is not a passing storm, a nightmare from which we will wake into a different reality. We are facing a real existential danger. An Israel such as this, which will become neither Zionist nor democratic – its right to exist may become fundamentally undermined, God forbid.

It is clear to me today that the transformation of the ‘liberation’ of the territories into the occupation of the people living in the territories: this is the trigger that is motivating this terrible Jewish fascist process. This is the process that has engendered the false messianism in whose name every crime, every act of racism and ever violation of the other’s rights are presented as acts of historical justice and as sacred deeds.

The exclamation marks are crying out from the wall.

Aharon Barnea

I’m sharing this post by Rachel Elior & my translation of it so that readers can sense some of the anger & frustration that many (but apparently not enough) Israelis are feeling after the recent political developments. I sympathize deeply with both Rachel Elior and Aharon Barnea & the many who share their views. But I need to add that I don’t entirely agree with all of their understandings of the situation, & that I stand with those few Israelis who realize that the real “trigger” is not the occupation that began in 1967, but the Nakba, which began in late 1947, of which the occupations since ’67 is but an extension & a continuation; & that the real foundation of Israeli-Jewish fascism is Zionism itself, the idea that one can create a Jewish homeland with Jewish sovereignty over the homeland of its non-Jewish inhabitants. The State of Israel was never & could never be “the democratic state of the Jewish people”: it could not be democratic because it was & is ethnocratic; & it could not be a state of the Jewish people because the Jews in the world are not a national political entity & most Jews are citizens of other nations.